I've got a lot going on right now - certainly more urgent matters than the importance of friendship. In fact, I've really pulled away from most social interaction in recent years, choosing instead to focus on work and home life. I still get lunch or drinks with a friend every once in a while, but that's about it. I’m going through some particularly difficult stuff, both at work and at home, and I could really use a friend. The hard truth is, if you neglect a part of your life, you can’t be surprised if it withers away.
The above illustrates one side of the rope in this awful tug-of-war: loneliness, and the longing for connection, which pull me in one direction. On the other side of the rope, you’ll find all of the difficult things that come along with loving people: betrayal, disappointment and heartbreak... This pain pulls me in the opposite direction, so far away from love and relationships that I wonder why I would ever again make the effort. Eventually, though, the loneliness returns. It can be really impractical, too, not to have friends and family to count on. Call it co-dependency, or a healthy desire to love and be loved, but something pulls me back toward people again.
When you spend most of your life in survival mode, fear and co-dependency tend to dictate a lot of your decisions, including judgments about your social circle. You get lonely, and you long for connection. In your desperation, you may even come to rely on someone who abuses and neglects you. You may also believe that this is the best you can do. If that is true, and you stand up for yourself, you risk total isolation. So you linger way too long in a toxic relationship.
This homeostasis, unhealthy as it may be, developed during my childhood. Nearly every relationship in my life, including those I made at HPC, were codependent. They were a part of this inner struggle, this feeling that I’m being pulled aggressively in opposing directions. Sometimes I actually thought of it as a virtue that I was able to forgive the abuse, to overlook people's shortcomings, be strong for others, or whatever. I shutter to think of the things I allowed to go on in my life because I was so confused and beat down. I clung to those dysfunctional relationships out of fear, white-knuckling my way through until the pain became too much and I had to let go.
The drama that unfurled at Healing Place back in 2012 was quite a disruptive force in my life, but it was also a catalyst. When a routine is disrupted, you get the opportunity to decide whether you want to go back to the usual, or make a change. I decided to make a major change. At that point, though, I didn’t have time to worry about the long term implications in my social life.
There was an urgent matter which took precedence: I had just found out that I was going to be a father. For the next few years, the transition into fatherhood consumed all of my available resources. I pulled away from the pain and disappointment of trying to love people outside my household, and I focused on loving my wife and daughter. I grew, and my perspective changed. At the same time, certain relationships I’d been holding on to loosely had started to become quite toxic.
Early in 2015, I had another big life change that forced me to re-evaluate my remaining friendships and business relationships. When I came to the conclusion that a relationship was imbalanced, unhealthy or predicated on the idea of me taking a whole lot of BS from someone, I would tear the relationship down. I needed some healthy boundaries. If my so-called friends and loved ones couldn't handle such boundaries, then those people had to go. I had lots of angry confrontations with people. I was going to change, or so I thought, and a new homeostasis would emerge.
Fast forward to now. I’ve been looking around very closely at this new life of mine, and it feels eerily similar to the loneliness I experienced in the past when I pulled away from people. I don’t have any deep and meaningful friendships to help me out through this rough time in my life, and I’m starting to yearn for connection again. However, I’m 38 years old. I have a wife, a child, a difficult career and a lot of unresolved issues. When I start thinking about the types of friendships that I could develop, I have a lot of questions:
Can we be friends?
Can we be friends if I’m a bit non-typical?
Can we be friends if I’m not the first one to make eye contact, smile and loudly introduce myself with an aggressive handshake?
Can we be friends if I don’t share your appreciation of sports?
Can we be friends if I don’t hunt, fish or drink beer?
Can we be friends if I hate small talk and tend to jump right into a heady conversation?
Can we be friends if you like to maintain your health and wellness and I like to eat cheeseburgers and watch movies?
Can we be friends if I sometimes use foul language or laugh at things that you find inappropriate?
Can we be friends if I had long hair in high school?
Can we be friends if I’m licensed to carry a concealed handgun?
Can we be friends if I grew up somewhere between poor and working class, and, consequently, I lack certain social graces?
Can we be friends if I didn’t finish college, and decided to take the road less travelled?
Can we be friends if I don’t spend my money the same as you?
Can we be friends if I’ve got some really ambitious career goals, and I don’t take well to being told that I should just give up and accept defeat?
Can we be friends if most times I prioritize my marital, parental and financial responsibilities over hanging out and getting coffee with you?
Can we be friends if I insist on there being some sort of balance or reciprocity in our relationship?
Can we be friends if I think it’s good and healthy for us to sometimes call each other out on our BS? Can I tell you to your face when you’ve disappointed or hurt me?
Can we be friends if I try to hold myself and others to a higher standard?
Can we be friends if I have some bad or annoying habits that you find off-putting? Can you see passed my faux pas to find that I have some redeeming value? I’ve certainly looked passed yours…
Can we be friends if I sometimes criticize or gossip about people, and then feel guilty afterward?
Can we be friends if I tend to be really introverted and avoid crowds? Can we be friends if I don’t call or text back sometimes because I don’t know what to say?
Can we be friends if I have really good intentions, but sometimes lack follow-through?
Can we be friends if I’m more sensitive than the average person you know? Can we be friends if that sensitivity allows me to pick up on subtle queues regarding a person’s character, or lack thereof, and you disagree?
Can we be friends if I get offended or hurt when I feel I’m being ignored on social media? Can we be friends if something inside me yearns for recognition or approval?
Can we be friends if I am really open and vulnerable around you? Can we be friends if I frequently wear my insecurities on my sleeve?
Can we be friends if I readily admit my strengths and weaknesses; my achievements and regrets?
Can we be friends if I have unresolved issues with one of our mutual friends?
Can we be friends if I used to be really involved in ministry at my local church, but have since walked away from church altogether? Can we be friends if I become agnostic, or I just don’t know what I believe anymore?
Can we be friends if I spent most of my life sober, but now I enjoy a drink from time to time?
Can we be friends if I sometimes show strong tendencies toward things like depression, anxiety, OCD and PTSD? Can we be friends if I decide to try therapy or medication?
Can we be friends if life just feels a bit overwhelming for me sometimes?
Can we be friends if I made a lot of past mistakes; if I really made a mess of things? Can we be friends if I’m working hard to fix it?
Can we be friends if I’m estranged from most of my family and many previous friends because I found those relationships toxic?
Can we be friends if I have a zero tolerance policy for selfishness, narcissism, manipulation or cruelty?
Can we be friends if I have lost faith in society, and tend to be untrusting of people? Can we be friends if I find human nature to be dark and scary most of the time?
Can we be friends if we disagree about things that are important to you? Can we be friends if I take a controversial stand on something having to do with politics, religion, race, gender, etc.?
I imagine that there is a sweet spot somewhere in here. There has to be some conflict or tension in a relationship just to keep things interesting. At the same time, though, if you had a problem with too many things I just listed, the friendship would just become unmanageable at some point. I’m sure I lost some of you just by having a blog in the first place. Anyway, I don’t have the answers – just the questions. It’s enough for me just to get you thinking a little bit. Until next time.